Nightmares

I cried myself to sleep underneath the wind slamming against my window—

I tried to hide myself from the nightmares I saw a few nights ago—

But they found me again.

An image resurfaced and twisted into the same shape I prayed against—

A boy, empty-eyed with an upside-down smile,

Asking for someone to see him.

 

I remember the pain in his voice, and how I wanted to take his darkness away,

But there was truth hidden behind the looks he gave,

 

They were saying, “You can’t save me.”

 

And I missed the signs that pointed in every direction

Away from his side–

I decided to hear his laugh and see his smile,

I looked away from those eyes—

And I closed mine.

 

I wipe my tears in protest now

And I tell my heart I’m not broken

From the short time spent–

I say, “I have found myself again, and I am stronger,”

 

But I still feel shattered beneath the weight of his hands,

And my dreams still scare me when I’m alone in my bed—

 

I start to think I am meant for those fleeting moments—

Rough, uncaring, and quick to leave.

Quick to leave me with nothing.

 

And so I ask questions. Questions like–

What does it mean to be with someone?

What does it mean to love selflessly?

And can I fall without a piece of me dying?

 

I want there to be some sort of meaning behind my actions—

And I want my words to be a sweet reflection

Of the girl, or woman, I want to see—

 

Not an image hidden beneath a wooden bed-frame

But something I can hold so my darkness will change–

 

I want to be able to give you something beautiful

And full of life—instead of a flash of light–

 

But first… I need to open my eyes.