I cried myself to sleep underneath the wind slamming against my window—
I tried to hide myself from the nightmares I saw a few nights ago—
But they found me again.
An image resurfaced and twisted into the same shape I prayed against—
A boy, empty-eyed with an upside-down smile,
Asking for someone to see him.
I remember the pain in his voice, and how I wanted to take his darkness away,
But there was truth hidden behind the looks he gave,
They were saying, “You can’t save me.”
And I missed the signs that pointed in every direction
Away from his side–
I decided to hear his laugh and see his smile,
I looked away from those eyes—
And I closed mine.
I wipe my tears in protest now
And I tell my heart I’m not broken
From the short time spent–
I say, “I have found myself again, and I am stronger,”
But I still feel shattered beneath the weight of his hands,
And my dreams still scare me when I’m alone in my bed—
I start to think I am meant for those fleeting moments—
Rough, uncaring, and quick to leave.
Quick to leave me with nothing.
And so I ask questions. Questions like–
What does it mean to be with someone?
What does it mean to love selflessly?
And can I fall without a piece of me dying?
I want there to be some sort of meaning behind my actions—
And I want my words to be a sweet reflection
Of the girl, or woman, I want to see—
Not an image hidden beneath a wooden bed-frame
But something I can hold so my darkness will change–
I want to be able to give you something beautiful
And full of life—instead of a flash of light–
But first… I need to open my eyes.